Salah satu hal yang sepertinya sangat sulit dilakukan oleh manusia.
Ikhlas memiliki banyak bentuk, bisa dalam bentuk mengikhlaskan orang yang dicintai pergi, bisa juga ikhlas dalam hal memberikan apa yang dimiliki untuk seseorang yang disayang sepenuh hati tanpa mengharapkan imbalan atau balasan apapun.
Dan aku sedang terus mempelajari bentuk keikhlasan yang kedua.
Sebagai manusia biasa tidak memungkiri kita ingin merasakan rasa timbal balik. It's normal right?
Dimana apa yang kita berikan kepada seseorang, kita mengharapkannya untuk merasakan juga hal tersebut.
Simply like when you love someone, you're hoping she/he will feel the same way. To love you back, so you can have something in return.
For example, when you love someone so much you will do anything and everything to make that person happy. You will go through whatever it takes to make the person you love to smile.
But deep down inside, after you gave everything for them you will feel like you deserved some kind of treatment the way you think you deserves.
I know, some people said that don't put your expectations too high on people, because it will only hurt you. But sometimes even after we controlled our expectations, those feeling of being treated equally will still come up.
I also know, some people might said that if you really love someone you will do it with your wholeheart, and you don't need any feedback.
And yes, i'm trying. I'm trying my ass off to love him as sincerely as i can, trying to always give my best for him, pushing my limit to be the greatest girlfriend for him, and trying to always fulfill his needs and wants.
But i can't deny that i need that too. I need him to treated me the same way, or treated me even more that i think i deserves. Like i'm special. Like i'm his one and only. Like i (thought) i deserve.
Because you never really know how your partner have to go through to make it happen.
You don't really realise their sacrifice just to make you happy.
I know he has this kind of showing feeling problem, he has his own way of showing love, he has his own way to show his sadness and his disappointment, he also has his own way to tell me that he loves me. But sometimes, or maybe most of the time (for now) i want him to love me the way i love him. Sometimes i want him to tell the world that he really loves me. Cause sometimes we need a little recognition don't we?
I'm not talking about the "thank you" words, yes he thanked me for what i've done for him. But i want more than that, simply like he can give some appreciation post or maybe he can treated me like what i've done for him is all he needs?
Maybe i just need some appreciation. Cause a little bit of appreciation will goes a long way.
I'm fully aware by saying all of this it means i don't really appreciate what he already give me.. but again, i just want him to love me the way i wanted. the way i thought i deserve.
Or maybe, even after everything i gave him... turns out its not enough.
So i don't deserve the kind of treatment I expected.
Ya, mungkin memang seperti itu.
Mungkin apa yang aku berikan belum cukup untuknya
Dan mungkin memang hanya seperti inilah yang aku pantas dapatkan.
Tapi kembali, seperti apa yang telah disampaikan di atas,
Aku sedang terus mempelajari untuk belajar ikhlas, ikhlas memberikan semua yang bisa aku lakukan untuk orang yang aku sayangi. Tanpa mengharapkan apapun.
Karena aku harus bersyukur, bahwa ikhlas yang sedang aku pelajari hanya sebatas ikhlas memberikan tanpa mengharapkan sesuatu kembali. Bukan mengikhlaskan orang yang aku sayang pergi.
