06 February 2020.
It's been a month.
One month that changed my life
One month that drove me crazy.
One month that makes me wondering through all day and night
One month that makes me questioning about everything
One month that makes me feel empty
And one month that full of tears.. a lot of tears
06 January 2020, probably the saddest day in 2020.
Really not a good way to start the year
And now, a month later and I'm still figuring out how to deal with this feeling.
Mixed feelings.
Mostly sadness, sometimes anger, sometimes disappointment, and of course one thing that I can't avoid is.. feeling guilty.
We both know that it has never been an easy ride, it's a ride that needs a lot of hard work and commitment.
For the past roller coaster-bittersweet 8 years, we try to make everything run the way we want it to be.
We believe that one day, everything will be paid off in a beautiful way.
And yes we believe that one day, we could make it.
But...
Turns out, I couldn't make it.
We couldn't make it.
After all these years, after all of the ups and downs, somehow we still couldn't find a way to each other's heart, which means we couldn't fully understand each other.
And this time, I finally could speak up what has been hanging around in my head for a couple years.. and make a solid decision on my own.
I don't really know whether this is the best decision I've ever made or even the worst,
but one thing that I know is, this is the hardest decision I have to take so far
It's not even an easy way out
It completely hurts me
Not gonna lie, having a long relationship is... many things
And break up, is definitely not one of the things.
You used to do almost everything together
You went to a lot of places together
You spent almost every weekend together
You've been longing for each other
You shared almost everything
You spent your teenage life and grow up together
And yes, you have loved each other for many years..
It's hard.
To lose a partner
To lose someone special
To lose someone that you trust the most
To lose someone that you actually still in love with
To lose someone that you know no matter what happens, the person will always stay in your heart.
I don't know what will happens in the future, but I do really hope that somehow this is will lead me to the best decision I've ever made.
Lead me to positivity
Lead me to something's good
Lead me to become a much better person
And lead me to the happiness and love that I deserve...
I know (i should be) I'm strong enough to face it all
And maybe one year later when I look back to this post I hope I could finally find the answer to all of these things.
Let's just welcome another month without You, with Bismillah, shall we?
